12-24-2008, 05:37 AM
Hey Box, it's been a while since we got to chat man, but I still hold you as a good friend, and I don't do that often. You are a good guy, despite what you're trying to convince yourself of, I can see through the crap and always had you pegged. The truth, you won't find an easy answer that solves everything, because there isn't one. There isn't a magic word, or thing you can do to make all this better. That doesn't mean it has to get worse though. You're on the precipise right now man, you're teetering over it and looking right down into it, you're in that place in life that makes you decide, you're at the crossroads. You can see your life behind, what it was, who you are, the things you've done, the things you love about yourself and the things you hate. You can't do anything about those things now, they are past, and NEVER forget or leave your past behind, past is what makes us present. The things you've been through are you, and you can no sooner leave them behind then oxygen. The path ahead is dark, rocky and steep and you're lookin up at it thinking why the hell should I bother. Because unless you get over that peek, you'll never know the great things to come, watching your kids grow, watching yourself grow. It's taken you all these years to see yourself, we are our flaws in essence, what we fail in shows us ourselves, and when we triumph at those same things, it shows us our true selves. You can see these things now, you can put a finger on everything, you can change everything now too. You can be better, and stronger, and prove to yourself you deserved those great moments, and even more. Right now the power is entirely yours to control, power never comes without it's price though, and getting through the next while is yours. Every day, every hour is a new challange you have to face and fight through, and when you get though it, the next one is a fight, but the more you fight, the easier it becomes. It will never be gone, it will never be easy, it will only be easier, and when that happens, even that little bit, that fight is lessened, and you'll be able to see other things, and focus on other things. Your mom, your sister, your kids, you feel terrible about them right now, you feel like you've failed them. You haven't, you haven't failed anything until it's over, show them now how you feel, let your past push you forward. The only way you could fail is if you gave up and chose not to show them the contrician you feel now, then they would see you as the failure you think you are. Prove yourself wrong.The saying time heals all wounds is crap, anyone who's had real loss knows that, time can't heal anything, nothing can, time only makes it less of a struggle. That little bit less as time goes on though is a driving force, you stop feeling miserable for yourself, you change your thinking, you step away from it and you can think things from different angles. Right now you only see the one, and it's brutal, but the more it dwells, and the more it sits, the wider that angle gets, and I'm not saying it's gonna be sunshine and rainbows, but it's going to be something else, and where you are any change is good.I hold a zen mantra extreamly close to my heart, and I try to live my life by it, the saying is 'this too shall pass' It doesn't mean the negative, or the positive, it is the litteral, this moment, like the one before it, and the billion before and after will be gone before you know it. Cherish the moments you enjoy, they are fleeting, and the moments you want to be over will be before you're ready. In truth, there is no positive or negative until you put a perception onto it, what one man loves, another hates, there's an odd comfort in that if you really think about it. Box, just take everything one step at a time, concentrate on that single step, don't worry about the next until you take it, then concentrate on that one, before you realise it, that dark, rocky, steep path will break and you'll be able to see clear again.